Fighting to Take Our Thoughts Captive, as Foster Parents

I’ve been doing foster care for a little over a year. There has been so much to learn with being a parent and further more with being a foster parent.

Training about the effects of childhood trauma is necessary, so that you can parent effectively, compassionately, and with understanding of their needs, but it’s not everything.

In training, they also stress the importance of taking care of yourself by taking time for yourself — Get respite (qualified babysitter), read a book, take vacation, do something fun, go on a date etc.  However, what they fail to mention is the importance of good documentation. Reporting all things about the kids is vital and helps to support you as the foster parent, if anyone doubts your proficiency of caring for the child.

As a newer foster parent, I haven’t always been confident in how to handle every circumstance or understood the importance of documentation of behaviors, medical appointments, or logging medications. I’ve been through the trainings that are required, but some of those trainings took place several months before I had my first placement. I didn’t realize that I would need to brush up on some important details that pertain specifically to being a foster parent (not general parenting or trauma informed parenting).

For example, as a bio-parent it is not needed to document using Vaseline on your child. However, as a foster parent it is required. To me, it felt silly that I had to document these minor details. Begrudgingly, I would report the notes or go to the doctor appointments I was obligated to. But with some actual experience of being a foster parent I have grown beyond grateful for the required documentation and the required monthly visits to our home, from CASA, our case worker, and our agency worker.  Because of my notes and the monthly visits, they all knew how healthy and happy these kids were while living in our home. 

I guess I’m saying this because in all my training I don’t think the importance of documentation is emphasized enough on why foster parents need to document all the details. In foster care, it isn’t just about parenting kids or helping them to heal from trauma, but also documenting everything for legal purposes. One of the ways a foster parent needs to take care of themselves, is through thorough documentation and good communication in order to protect themselves, and keep everyone on the team on the same page.  

In regard to the seriousness of documentation I feel like I had to…

Learn the Hard Way

We always cared for all the children emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.  If a professional was needed we made the appointment, if a prescription was needed we ran to the pharmacy, if the kids needed to chat we gave them a listening ear and a big hug.  We helped the kids with their homework and every night made the effort to eat together as a family.  With having multiple kids, there was a lot noise in our home and a lot of run-around to different appointments, but I loved being a mom and my husband loved being a dad. 

Generally speaking, all children have minor ailments and an appointment is not needed or required by the state.  I can simply run to the store and get over-the-counter medications, creams, etc.  In all my efforts, of caring for the kids, my husband and I were still deemed incompetent foster parents to some. With that being said, an accusation was filed against us.

As I have learned to report and record all things, I often wanted to re-think my past general responses or re-think the past circumstances. Most of the time I realized I should have logged more details or taken the kid to the doctor for minor things, that can simply be treated with over-the-counter medication.

For each medical appointment, there is a 9-page document that is required for the doctor to fill out.  I learned that it can serve as a paper trail of a foster parent’s efforts to caring for the child. The doctor’s claim of “no concern” holds a heavier weight than a medically-uncertified-opinion of a foster parent.  When understanding that I could have done better, I was tempted to worry myself with many invalid “what-if” questions, of how this false allegation could be twisted into our story.

I was thankful to God for the people who were in our corner who nudged us into making wise choices. They knew that this accusation was false and kindly suggested to take the child to the doctor.  At this point, I still did not fully appreciate the importance of documentation.  I had to humble myself and submit to her wise recommendation even though it seemed illogical to me.  The connection I failed to see was that a medical appointment for something so minor wasn’t necessary for the child’s well-being.  Rather, it was for my legal protection. Looking back, I truly believe that this person was looking out for us. I cancelled whatever plans I had for that day, and took the child to the doctor ASAP.  

After the investigation interviews were completed, the investigator had up to 30 days to close out her investigation.  She informed us, that a letter would be mailed with her conclusions of the investigation.

Although we knew that we had nothing to worry about, it became very challenging to wait for this letter.  It felt as if it didn’t matter that our CPS case worker was sticking up got us, or that our agency expressed no concerns.  It also felt as if it didn’t matter that we knew the truth.  It was the CPS investigator that needed to concluded that this allegation was false.  It was her opinion of us that seemed to matter the most.  Yet, she was the person who knew us and our relationship with the kids the very least.  She only met us one time for a few hours just to do our interviews, collected a few notes, took a few pictures of the child in question, and collected our documentation of medication logs and the doctor’s records. Then that was it. She left to go investigate and make her decision about us.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned as a foster parent is that…

Not everyone’s experience will be the same

I’ve heard of other foster parent’s experiences regarding false allegations.  One of the incidents I read about, said they received their letter within a week! I foolishly leaned on this experience, as if it told me how our experience should play out. Rather for us, days turned to weeks, and weeks turned into a full month.  We had to wait the full 30 days until we finally got a phone call from our agency, saying that we’ve been cleared.  

As the weeks continued to pass, it felt more dramatic and intimidating. About the second week into waiting for this letter, I would think and think and think, as if my thoughts could take me back in time to document more precisely, re-do conversations in the past, or make more doctor’s appointments.  Thoughts would spiral — Why is this investigation taking so long? Was she finding some red flags about us in her investigation? We didn’t do anything wrong, what could she be finding?  Later, we found out that she went on vacation and got behind on her work.  

All my useless thinking and research would lead to sleepless nights and exhaustive days. In my own strength, I would try to just stop thinking and try to just go to sleep. But the reality was, this was a very serious matter that was feeding stress and anxiety into my mind and heart. I couldn’t just stop my natural reaction to this circumstance. I wasn’t able to just ignore those feelings. It was especially impossible during the night hours, when all was quiet in the house and there were no distractions from my thoughts. This pattern of overthinking in this struggling time needed to be broken. I knew I needed to spiritually rest in Him first before I would be able to physically rest my body to have a good night sleep.  I needed to be very intentional in regard to…

Taking My Thoughts Captive

In order to rest my mind from anxious thoughts I fell asleep to scripture or soft and slow worship music.  This helped me focus on the things above, rather than focusing on all the unknown things of my life, on earth.  

There were occasions when I woke up in the middle of night with thoughts on my mind about the accusation.  Again, I would need to take my thoughts captive, so I would pray all my thoughts and worries to God and then put on a Christian podcast or play a sermon to reset my mind on Him.  Soon after doing this, I would find rest in my heart and mind, and thus falling back to sleep peacefully. 

Also, the Abide app has been such a blessing. A soothing voice prays for you and talks about God’s Word along with tranquil sounds like a running river. Before reading scripture or speaking encouraging truths inspired by Gods Word, the speaker will remind you to take a deep breath. As I do so, I realize where I’m holding tension in my body and that I need to relax. If you have trouble sleeping, I highly recommend this app to help you get the worries of your day casted onto God.

These few different things, were practical ways to take my thoughts captive, in order to set my set my mind on Him.

I know that my anxiety through this shows that I wasn’t 100% perfect in walking this out.  Maybe some people would say that I wasn’t trusting God as I waited for that letter. Maybe some people would say I didn’t have “strong” faith.  But I know I still had at least a mustard seed of faith.  And after this experience, I know that even having even a little faith pleases God.  Everyday I still prayed in faith for His peace that transcends all understanding. I prayed multiple times a day for that peace, because it would be stolen away by attacking thoughts that were maybe from the enemy, or maybe it was just me.  Either way, I prayed in faith for that peace again and again. God would give it graciously, but I had to keep asking daily and re-committing it to the Lord.  In faith, I still jumped into the word expecting to find His comfort.  I still prayed for His help to bring this allegation to nothing. In faith, I still prayed for sleep and gave all glory to Him when I woke up rested. 

I know what matters to Him most is that I ran to Him when I was weak. Running to Him in your anxiety is fighting the good fight and putting your faith in Him.  Learning not to condemn myself in my failures continues to be a way God is helping me to grow and trust that He will never leave me of forsake me, as long as I keep repenting and battling my flesh.  I’m learning to rest in His faithfulness, rather than feeling shame for any short comings.  His mercy is new every morning. 

A Personal Scripture 

As for Jared, he found God’s comfort through a scripture God put on his heart.  After he finished praying specially about the accusation, he came away with the words “every tongue that rises up against you in judgement you shall condemn”.  When he looked up the verse, he was amazed that this scripture was from Isaiah 54. God has led us to this particular book and chapter several times concerning our journey with fostering and adopting children, so it felt like a personal comfort from God.  Jared took his thoughts captive through remembering verse 17 when stressful thoughts came to him about being in a legal process and concerns about possibly getting a lawyer and going to court.  

He also fought off feeling insulted and irritated over false claims against us and wanting to vindicate himself.  However, he would remind himself of the scripture God spoke through, “their righteousness is from Me,” says the Lord.  He remembered that he did not need to fret or defend himself since God will fight for us. 

Also, when we were weeks into waiting for our letter, he even found an old note where he wrote that exact scripture from years ago. He happen to find that note at this particular time.  In faith, we continued to foster these three kiddos even though this felt extra hard and we felt at-risk for another false allegation.  Would our efforts ever be enough or appreciated by those who were unsatisfied with our care?  

We both had our own battles taking place in our minds and we needed to take our thoughts captive.  God helped us both specially in a personal and specific way that we each needed it. Some needed more help than others! That was me lol.

Feeling intimidated?

Scriptures

No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, And their righteousness is from Me,” Says the LORD.
Isaiah 54:17

“Do no worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough worried of its own.”
Matthew 6:34

“….we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ”. 
2 Corinthians 10:5

Wisdom will save you from evil people, from those whose words are twisted.
Proverbs 2:12

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you.  Do not let your heart be troubled, not let it be fearful.
John 14:27

In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe. 
Psalm 4:8

For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.
Hebrews 10:36-39

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come?  My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth…he who keeps you will not slumber.  Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
Psalm 121:1-4