Learning How to Parent – Inspired by Exodus and Leviticus

When the Israelites first meet The One True God, God blesses them greatly. He helps them by performing amazing miracles and saving them out of slavery (Exodus 3-14). This this the beginning of their relationship.

Of course the Israelites knew of God, but Exodus is the first time God is introducing Himself to them personally, and He does it in an amazing way.

In the beginning of this relationship, He is helping them and not really asking much of them at all. He takes care of them to establish trust and increase their faith in Him alone. As Phylica Masonheimer put it, “He gave them favor and deliverance before he ever gave them the law”, to be obedient to.  It is after He has done this that he begins to expect anything from them. Then, after the amazing Red Sea miracle, he finally starts to expect the Israelites to trust Him. Unfortunately, they let him down and built a golden calf.  But God continues to keep giving them a chance.  As time progresses, there are examples of people disobeying and consequences being given for the Israelites to witness and learn from.

As the relationship continues, more laws are established — 613 to be exact. Once all the laws are given, we get to Leviticus 26 where God talks about blessings for obedience and also punishment for disobedience. The consequences continue to escalate sevenfold several times if you continue to “walk contrary to God” (Leviticus 26:27). God tells everyone upfront and proactively and He is merciful and gracious in doing this.

As I’ve been studying through Leviticus, I’ve been pondering on how it is similar to raising kids in foster care. In foster care, when a child comes to your home they have no idea who you are or if you’re a safe person. With that being said, when a child is unexpectedly dropped off at your home it’s not at all about discipline. Instead its about…

Establishing Relationship.

It’s about letting the kids know they can trust you and that they are safe in your home. It’s about letting them know they can talk with you about anything. It’s about letting them know there will be food and they will always be fed. It’s about letting them know, they can be mad, sad, whine, yell, and cry — and they will still be safe. And also beyond that, we as parents, are committed to love them throughout all their highest of highs, lowest of lows, fears, tears, trauma, and triggers.

Rules are broken while we all learn about each other and that’s ok. As the Israelites grew in relationship with God, the people grumbled about no water, no food, and no meat. When I read Exodus 16, I wondered if they knew they could just ask God, and that they didn’t have to complain or throw a fit to get their needs met. God always provided, so the people would be able to observe God in action saying, “you can count on me”.  Safety, protection, and relationship were being established.

With foster care you’re starting in the negative. As a foster parent, it is key to remember that you are meeting a child during the worst time in their life. A child’s relationship with adults has been destroyed possibly due to neglect and abuse, so it could be challenging for them to learn to rely on you.

Another matter I have to remind myself of often, is all the behaviors that children have picked up in their previous home.  Less than desirable behaviors may have been ignored and even accepted in their previous home.  Most of the poor behavior need to be undone and retrained. Like I said, as a foster parent, you’re starting in the negative, so the relationship you establish and cultivate is so much more important than just laying down all the rules and disciplining the kids.  Establishing a healthy attachment helps bring you to a neutral ground, and then from there, by God’s grace, you can start seeing more positive change. 

In saying all this, I’m not saying that not disciplining the kids when rules are broken is unimportant. It is vitally important. As Proverbs 3:12 says, The Lord disciplines those He loves. It is a loving thing to give consequences, so children can learn to take responsibility for their actions. However, it is of greater significance to build and cultivate a healthy relationship to achieve a secure attachment, between all members of the household.

There is a time and place to start focusing on following the rules and implementing discipline. And when that time comes, the relationship still grows as children see, that we as parents, will do as we say for negative and positive behaviors. For negative behaviors –  appropriate consequences; for positive behaviors – praise and sometimes rewards. I think its healthy for them to see that in our home they can make mistakes, but still be safe and deeply loved.  Out of the overflow of building a healthy relationship and connection with our foster kids, it has been amazing to witness each of them uniquely grow and thrive.  One of my foster kid’s teacher said how it has been “a team effort” to help him learn to follow the rules and learn respect.

Of course there continues to be some behavior issues — some because kids will be kids, others because of the trauma they have endured, which they are still healing from. It has been a process that my husband and I are also learning and growing and realizing that its not just about obedience, but rather healthy relationship.  Obedience should be a byproduct of a reverent and loving relationship.  Although I already know this, I feel like I’m more deeply grasping this with having children.  There have been a few times where I had to check my own heart on why I personally am being obedient to God.  I want to be obedient not just out of fear of The Lord, but also especially out of love and intimacy. 

As a foster parent, I’ve been leaning on these scripture lately…

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.
2 Peter 1:5-7

I lift up my eyes to the hills.  From where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. 
Psalm 121:1-2

In everything you do, do it for the glory of God. 
1 Corinthians 10:3